Tartiana Linzer

About

Tartiana Linzer is the castle cook. You find her in the kitchen on the first floor of Wesfil Castle, and she has a pun ready for a crisis ("Desperate thyme calls for desperate measuring"). She has learned a few things on the job: "When you're the castle cook, you learn a thing or two - for instance, the quickest way to King Wesfil's heart? Through his stomach." Later she mentions that before she and Liza worked at the castle, she ran a cook shop out of her home.

In More Than You Can Chew she is busy preparing for the king's birthday party when a guard runs in with bad news. Her sous-chef Ramsby slipped on the stairs and fell out of the second story window, and the guard, running down to help, knocked him down the main stairs into the market square: "he’s not going to be working in this kitchen for a while." She is "the only other person in all of South Umbardom" who knows how to recreate his sauced lambs, so she makes you her sous-chef for the bread and boiled yabbies. Sir Loin, the culinary quartermaster the king appointed to oversee the celebrations, calls it "absurd" and threatens to have her "stripped of your position" unless you cook him a meal.

Once the feast is done she keeps her job and tells you to "use my range anytime you wish to practice up on your cooking".

In her own words

No, that’s a horrible idea. I’m just going to pack up my bags and flee the country. The party is going to be a disaster, and I’m never going to be able to show my face in public again. Well, it was nice knowing you, whatever your name is!

Fairly well, the king's feast was a major success, and I get to keep my job! So nothing to complain about.

... I'm going to hope someone dropped a vase and that wasn't Culinary Quartermaster Loin taking a tumble out the second story window.

Asked if you get to come to the birthday party, she answers in one word: "No."